


fit in / stick out

by appetencies



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, Recovery, also some comphet, teenage drama and a good helping of trauma!, that's right im doing it, this makes it all sound heavier than it is ahfhd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2020-12-16 10:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21034448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appetencies/pseuds/appetencies
Summary: Callum Highway just wants a fresh start. New school, new faces, a life away from the demons that are constantly after him. And he thinks, for just a second, that he might actually get it.But then Ben Mitchell throws himself into his life, and things get a lot more complicated.DISCONTINUED AS OF 28/12/19





	1. start

Callum Highway stares at himself in the mirror.

He looks… awkward. All long limbs and ill-fitting school uniform, tie hanging loose around his neck. Not to mention his hair- he’d attempted to tame it earlier but it’s only gone all fluffed-up and messy. He reaches for the comb sitting on the bathroom counter again, gives his hair a quick few brushes and then gives up. Whatever. He’ll just try to keep his head down.

If he’s lucky, it’ll work. He’s used to sticking out too much; at his old school he was the weird kid who people pretended not to make fun of behind his back, who always showed up with holes in his shoes, looking like he’d gotten in a fight on the way down with all the bruises on him.

(The last one is the only slightly good one. He doesn’t need people knowing the real reason.)

But this is a _ new start, _ he’d heard from both Mick and his own thoughts for the past week. A chance to start afresh without all these _ demons _ (as the _ counsellor _ had called them) chasing him. Here he’s just another new student trying to get through school.

There’s the problem, though; he’s _ new. _ People don’t know him here, and he doesn’t know them. Doesn’t know if they’ll ask questions, doesn’t know what to say if they ask. He could lie, yeah, but what if someone somehow _ knows _and then-

“Callum!” he’s startled out of his thoughts when he hears Mick knocking at the door. “Hurry up, mate, we’re leavin’ in a few.”

Here goes nothing.

* * *

Ben Mitchell stares at himself in the mirror.

It’s not that he’s particularly vain or obsessed with his appearance, just that he’s got this one nasty cut on his face from a fight during the holidays and he’s debating if it’s worth covering up. After a few moments of brief thought, he decides against it. _ Let people see, _he thinks, tugging on his blazer and barely giving his tie a second thought. Can’t have people thinking he’s gotten soft in the six weeks.

There’s noone there to scold him about the way he near-throws his bread into the toaster or the fact that he almost spills orange juice over the counter while scrolling through his phone. There’s a text from Jay saying he’ll pick him up in ten minutes, another dozen from the group chat containing about everyone in his year, undoubtedly complaining about not being arsed for school. Ben isn’t either, to be fair, but the quicker he gets this over with the quicker he can actually _ do things _ with his life, hopefully.

Year 11. GCSEs. All the stuff that he supposes is meant to be big and exciting, but Ben truly just wants to get out as soon as he can.

He shoves a piece of toast into his mouth after dropping a generous helping of butter on it, cringing upon realising that it’s practically cold. Looking at the toaster- yep, Ian left it at the lowest setting. Well done to him.

Ben, half-considering sending his ‘brother’ another passive aggressive reminder to stop doing that, pauses on his contacts screen when he notices a few new texts from Jay:

_ oi im here hurry up mate _

_ lol whats with the shit look on your face _

_ DUDE are you blind im outside _

_ oh wait _

Ben rolls his eyes, turns around, and sure enough Jay’s (considerably dodgy) car is waiting outside. He’d bought it as soon as he’d turned 16 despite the fact that he couldn’t actually _ use _ it yet, and since turning 17 he’s been using the damn thing constantly. But it’s a free lift to school, so he doesn’t mind if all he has to do is listen to his brother rant on about how great his car is.

With a slightly annoyed text of _ im coming give me a min _back, Ben gathers up his bag and shoves the other (disgustingly cold) piece of toast in his mouth before leaving the house.

Jay is grinning widely when Ben climbs into the passenger seat of the car, holding up a McDonald’s bag that smells like hash browns.

“My _ saviour.” _ Ben snatches the bag from him without another word, immediately taking one of the three hash browns and all-but inhaling it. Jay watches on, unimpressed, before turning back to the road.

“You’re welcome.” he says dryly, as they begin their journey toward Ben’s _ favourite place on earth. _

* * *

Despite trying to calm himself the whole way there, Callum ultimately fails.

By the time Mick drops him off, he’s talking himself out of a panic attack._ Deep breaths, _ he reminds himself. _ Just follow the crowd. _

All the students get sent up to the exam hall on the first day; Year 7s get separated into tutor groups and everyone else gets their timetables. Callum’s been told he’ll get assigned a tutor group later- and a _ guide _ to show him around with it. Which just sounds perfect.

He walks in with the crowd, trying to control his breathing, and spots the place where all the Year 11s are gathered. Most of them seem to be amongst friends considering how much they’re talking (unless that’s just- what it’s like around here. Callum doesn’t know,) which leaves Callum awkwardly hovering around- until a teacher notices him.

“Ah, hello!” the woman is shorter than him (though most of the people here are,) grinning up at him in a way that seems too wide. “I take it you’re the new pupil- Callum, is it?” she checks a small notepad as she says this, and nods to herself.

“Um- yeah.” Callum nods, slowly. “That’s me.”

“Right then!” the woman closes the notepad and puts it in her pocket, adjusting her glasses. “I’m Mrs. Windsor, I’ll be your tutor. You’ll see my tutor room in a bit, it’s just down the music corridor- though I don’t suppose you’d know where that even is, would you-” she’s speaking very fast and it does not help Callum’s anxiety, so he decides for now to just be quiet and hopefully make out what she’s saying. “-which would mean I should probably pair you up with your guide, if he’s here-” Mrs. Windsor looks around before seemingly spotting who she needs. “Ah! There he is- Jay!”

Callum isn’t quite sure who she’s talking to, because following her gaze leads to _ two _ people- one with reddish hair and another with brown hair and a nasty cut on his cheek- and both of them get up upon ‘Jay’ being called.

“This him?” the red-haired one says as he approaches, giving Callum a brief glance. He feels like he should be kind of intimidated.

“Yes, this is Callum- Callum this is Jay and he’ll be showing you around!” she gestures to the red-haired one, then pauses at the sight of the other one. “And that’s Ben! You’ll probably see him a lot- these two are inseparable, aren’t you!” 

Ben, with a smile and nod that even in Callum’s eyes looks fully forced, turns to Mrs. Windsor. “Yeah, and me and Jay were talking, Miss, so if you’d let us go-”

“Ah, yes! Sorry! You two can go, I’m sure you have so much to catch up on- just make sure Callum here doesn’t get lost or anything, okay?” she finishes with a clap of her hands, and with that goes on to some other students.

Callum blinks once, twice. Then realises that Jay and Ben are walking away, then moves to follow before wondering if he actually should.

“Uh.. you coming, mate?” Jay pauses, looking at Callum over his shoulder. Callum feels his hands going clammy with sweat already as he gives a quick nod and half-jogs over to where they’ve already taken place sitting on the floor near the stacked-up tables.

“Don’t know why you keep offering to help out with the new kids, Jay.” Ben sighs, picking at the sleeve of what is definitely_ not _his school blazer. Callum has to ask himself how that teacher (Mrs. Windsor? God he’s forgetting already.) didn’t notice, or if she did and just doesn’t care.

Looking around, mostly everyone else (amongst the other Year 11s and older kids, anyway,) are wearing things that, according to the booklet Callum had received with the confirmation of his enrolment, are very against the uniform code.

He feels kind of out of place. Even moreso considering the fact that his blazer doesn’t even fit him. He probably should’ve brought his jacket with him anyway- it was forecast to rain today, wasn’t it? And even though Mick is picking him up it’s still-

_ “..Oi. _ Oi, you good?” Ben is snapping his fingers in front of Callum’s face. He tries very, very hard not to flinch back from it. “Oh great, back with us. Welcome back.”

“Sorry.” Jay says, giving his friend (or at least Callum assumes they’re friends) a glare that he supposes is meant to be subtle. “Uh, we were just askin’- like, about you and stuff.”

Ben is leaning back, hands braced against the floor, but it still seems like he’s leering down at Callum when he comments, “Yeah. Favourite colour, songs, personal traumas. All that good stuff.” Ben pauses and, upon hearing no laughter at his joke, rolls his eyes. “No fun, you lot.”

Jay punches Ben in the arm, though he doesn’t seem fully angered at all. “Some of us ain’t interested in scaring everyone off, Ben.” then he turns to Callum, finally, with an open(ish) expression. “So- about you, you know. I’m Jay obviously and that’s-” Ben throws up a peace sign. “-that’s Ben, who is going to be annoying this whole time. What about you?”

“Um.” Callum feels very out of place. “I’m- Callum. Callum Highway. Um, not much interesting about me.” he laughs awkwardly, trying to avoid both gazes on him. Does he have all his stuff in his bag? Maybe he should check.

“See, he don’t wanna talk.” Ben is, at this point, half-lying on the floor. Callum wonders how someone can sit so _ wrong. _“I say you just let the guy follow us around or whatever. If he wants a chit-chat he’d say.” Callum is kind of thankful for this, actually, and shoots Ben a little half-smile when Jay turns away to talk to someone else for a moment. 

Ben waves it off before looking to a teacher starting to speak, but. There’s _ something- _

And there it goes. The uneasiness in Callum’s stomach that had eased just slightly, the tremble of his hands, return. At least it had been going well for a minute.

_ (Personal traumas, _ Ben had said, casually. _ Trauma. _ The word keeps repeating in his head, and he knows it’s a joke he _ knows _it’s nothing bad but- but-

Callum shakes his head, focuses on the teacher speaking to them. Tries to shake it off like he’s been taught.)

* * *

Tutor is_ loud. _

To be fair, Callum doesn’t know what he was expecting- they’re in a music room, of all places. Half of the students seem happy to fool around on the keyboards lining the walls, setting off that ridiculously cheery demo. If Callum hears it again, he might just hit something.

And Mrs. Windsor just smiles through it all.

“You’ll get used to it.” a voice says from next to him, and Callum jolts up to see Jay sliding into the chair next to him. “Ah- sorry mate. It’s a lot, innit?”

Callum nods, wordlessly, and he knows Jay is being kind and all but his mind just wants to be alone right now _ please. _

“Yeah, I’ve been here too long to care.” Jay gestures around the classroom vaguely. Callum’s gaze catches on Ben’s leather jacket- he seems to be in the corner, talking to some other guy. Looks dodgy. “You know- I’ve been in this same tutor like six years now. This is my second go at Year 11, believe it or not.”

Callum almost asks- opens his mouth to and all- but wonders if it’s any of his business and decides no. Now he’s got nothing to say, though.

“Not much of a talker, are you?” Jay seems to sense his internal crisis, thank God. “It’s fine, I wasn’t- _ Ben!” _

Ben is swaggering over, though his leg is lagging behind a bit. “Sup.” he smirks at Jay before waving at Callum. “What?”

“I saw that kid dead-leg you just, come on. Are you really squaring up to people on the first day back?” Jay rubs his forehead in frustration. _ “Please _ don’t get yourself detention again.”

“Yeah yeah, sorry mum. I would never _ ever _ get _ detention.” _ Ben folds his arms, leaning against the table. “Guy was slagging me off anyway. He deserved it.”

“Whatever you say,” Jay rolls his eyes before patting the seat next to him. “Come on, sit down. Gotta see if we’ve got any lessons together.”

“Probably not,” Ben grabs his timetable out of his pocket, and Callum gets the sense he should probably do the same. “I don’t think Mr. Stickuphisass has forgiven me for writing my assessment on the _ homosexual undertones _of Victorian literature-” his eyebrows raise as he reads over his timetable. “-and look who I got for English!”

Looking at his own timetable, Callum has someone named Mr. Sticup. That’s an unfortunate name.

“Out of luck. Ours are completely different.” Jay sighs, shaking his head as he glances at Ben’s timetable. “Should’ve known. What about you, Callum?”

“Um,” Callum fumbles for a few moments, before just half-throwing his timetable in Jay’s general direction. “Just- that.”

Ben leans over, then grins. “Same lessons! Get in.” he holds out his hand for a high five and after staring for a solid second or two, Callum awkwardly pats Ben’s hand with his own. “That was _ weak. _Give it another go.” he holds up his hand again. 

For five whole seconds, Callum just- stares.

“Christ, Ben. Put the poor thing out of his misery.” Jay groans, sliding Callum’s timetable back across the table to him. Ben looks at Callum one last time before finally lowering his hand, huffing indignantly.

“Alright, alright, sorry. Just tryna be _ friendly.” _ Ben’s tone carries a hint of mockery that Callum doesn’t quite know the origin of, and again he feels all out of place. He’s.. new. Not a part of whatever weird friendship Ben and Jay have, not in on whatever their inside jokes are. But they don’t think he’s annoying and they haven’t asked him to leave yet, so _ maybe _ he’s doing fine.

For now, at least.

Ben is watching him. Callum doesn’t know why- doesn’t know why that makes him feel so _ weird. _

He looks over his shoulder during maths and there Ben is, gaze heavy, expression set in a way that makes him unreadable. He moves to ask a question about their timetables as they walk between lessons and Ben is already staring, that same gaze. Callum feels weak beneath it, as if two blue eyes can pick him apart just like that.

And maybe they can. Maybe Callum is letting him.

Because he almost touches him in science, hand fluttering nervously above his shoulder, and Ben gives him a look all daring, all but says_ do it. _Because they’re in English and he can feel Ben staring, some unsaid question in his gaze, some kind of thing that makes Callum want to tell him everything.

But he doesn’t. He can’t.

_ Fresh start. _Deep breaths. Count to ten.

Ben doesn’t know Callum. Ben doesn’t know _ anything. _

And Callum tells himself this. He repeats it to himself when he crams himself into one of the toilet stalls at lunch, overwhelmed with all these crowds and people and people_ who know too much. _

He repeats it over and over and yet never starts believing it.

* * *

“So,” Jay rocks up next to him at lunch, hands in his pockets. “What is it about Callum?”

It admittedly takes a few moments for Ben to remember who Callum is, but when he does he grins and turns to take a sip of the Capri Sun he’d bought from the canteen. “Glad you picked up on it.”

“Yeah, you were-” Jay folds his arms as Ben nicks a chair from a Year 7, then plops himself down into it before dragging their table over with his free arm. The Year 7 looks about ready to cry. “-weird around him. Interrogating-y.” he grabs his own chair _ (not _ stolen from a Year 7) and sits across from him, taking exactly one and a half McDonald’s hash browns from his bag. Ben would comment on his friend’s disgusting habit of eating cold McDonald’s hash browns for lunch, but he’s too far gone by now, he’s afraid.

“Well, he’s kinda fit,” Ben isn’t completely lying; there’s something weirdly endearing about how much of a disaster this new kid is, even if the second hand embarrassment of watching Callum fumble his way through a maths question for nearly five minutes had been near unbearable. And his hair is kinda fluffy, it’s cute.

“Yeah, but that ain’t it, is it?” Ben doesn’t know why he expected Jay to buy it, but either way.

“You know what I’m like.” he waves it off, smirking cryptically. “Always lookin’ for people’s secrets, an’ all.”

“Take it you _ found _ something, then?” damn. Tough crowd.

Ben sighs and actually makes eye contact with Jay this time, feigning annoyance. “Well, yes. Since you’re so _ invested.” _the way he’d flinched away from almost all touch yet how his hand had hovered awkwardly at Ben’s shoulder during science, the way he’d barely talked at all despite the fact that he looked a wrong word away from spilling a sixty page monologue at any given moment. It’s like a big weird complicated puzzle, and Ben’s not entirely sure what the end result is going to be. He has… a clue, though.

“Well?” Jay continues on, shoving the entire half hash brown into his mouth.

“Not like you to be so interested,” Ben deflects. “What, you want his number or something? Can’t imagine Lola would like that, mate.”

Jay completely ignores the second part, unsurprisingly. “Not like you to be so _ interested _in some random new kid either. C’mon, what is it?”

Really, Ben isn’t going to tell. Because 1. he_ is _ smart, but he can’t put together the picture just yet and 2. if his theory is right, then he’s not just going to spill, even if it’s to his best friend.

“It’s a work in progress.” Ben leans back in his chair, tearing a chunk out of the sandwich he’d bought. “Check back in a week or so, you might get an update.” Jay narrows his eyes suspiciously, but doesn’t say more on the matter, going back to eating his (disgusting) lunch. 

It’s at that moment that Ben catches Callum half-running across the canteen, looking all at once completely panicked and unsettlingly calm. Hm.

“One minute,” Ben says, and gets up to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hi! first multichap in a while u know how it is!!! i hope yall like it
> 
> quick note on the ages of the characters: i genuinely just went fuck it and went with whatever, so dont expect these to be like canon at all LMAO
> 
> talk to me on tumblr @smalltalksmp3 or twitter (im more active there) @caImitcheII (that's capital i's instead of ls lol)!!!


	2. inside your mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _the back of your head is at the front of my mind_

Callum’s forgotten his timetable somewhere. _ Fuck. _

He manages his way through the canteen and into the (mostly empty) corridor, throwing a hand to his chest as he tries to catch his breath. What lesson did he have last, when did he last see-?

“Hey.”

Callum nearly jumps out of his own skin when he hears a voice, right next to his ear. Upon whipping around and damn near going to punch them, he calms down just a little when he sees it’s just Ben.

(Not_ just, _ but.)

Callum eyes him nervously before turning around to face him, shaky grin not even the least bit convincing. “Uh- hey, I was just-” 

“Looking for this?” ah, Ben’s got his timetable. The other boy waves it around a little, leaning his arm against the opposite wall in the process. This way he’s got Callum blocked in now; this hallway is a dead end, and surely Ben has to know that. Surely he’s doing this on purpose.

“You left it in English,” Ben continues, seemingly oblivious to Callum’s ongoing crisis. “You legged it as soon as the bell went, so I couldn’t exactly give it to ya. Speaking of which-” and that look (that stupid weird_ look) _ settles over his expression again. “-where were you runnin’ off to so fast? Never even stopped to talk to me.” he feigns hurt.

Callum feels his hands getting sweaty again. “Just- needed the loo, is all.” he says, voice coming out quiet. Meek.

“What, you were in there for..” Ben pauses far longer than necessary to check his watch. “...twenty minutes?” he raises his eyebrows. “Don’t think you just _ needed the loo _ there, mate.”

“I-I got lost!” the pitch of Callum’s voice raises noticeably. “Can you just- give me the timetable and let me go?”

“I should,” Ben is hardly looking at Callum now. The light from the hallway behind silhouettes him, leaves him looming, a rough-edged shadow. _ “But. _ I have a _ question, _ Callum Highway.” there’s a gleam in those eyes; looking at it makes Callum feel dizzy, yet he can’t quite drag his gaze away from it.

They seem closer, now, as Ben smirks. Callum feels small under his gaze, despite the full head of height between them.

“What are you hidin'?” it falls fuzzy on Callum’s ears, and suddenly it feels like all the air has been forced from his lungs.

Callum’s never been good at lying, _hiding._ He’s known that it’ll be a matter of time before someone has him found out.

Just. Not so soon.

“I-” his voice is shaky, and he has to steel himself before continuing. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, come_ on.” _ Ben shakes his head, though his voice does seem maybe the slightest bit softer. Maybe he’s taken pity. _Please_ say he's taken pity. “Callum, I’m not _ stupid. _ I know a liar when I see one.”

“I’m not lying about anything, I’m-” _ completely normal. Normal. _

“Then_ why _ are you so defensive about it?” Ben presses on. The air feels heavy. Callum feels about ready to suffocate on it.

“Why are_ you _ so bothered?!” Callum bursts out, voice trembling. He’s got himself backed up against the wall and he can’t tell if Ben’s moving closer or not but he feels trapped all the same.

Callum doesn’t know what happens in the next second, but just like that Ben’s expression drops. The air is still heavy and Callum can’t quite think but Ben’s hands are in his pockets, and for now he might have actually decided to back off for whatever reason. “Alright then. Whatever,” Ben shrugs. “You don’t wanna talk, I won’t ask.”

And with that he just- stalks off, saying nothing more.

All Callum does is stand there, confused and terrified and all around feeling a bit lost, until the bell goes.

* * *

Ben doesn’t really know why he backed off.

All this poking and prodding at people, getting into people’s heads, being generally annoying- that’s what he does, and he does it well. And he doesn’t just- give up, just like that.

And what, all because Callum had looked _ scared? _He’d been close to saying something, Ben knows, because he’s long grown used to watching for signs. The slight twitch to his mouth, the way his speech had become uncontrolled and erratic.

_ (And the way he’d looked at him, almost as if-) _

So Ben doesn’t know why. Or, he does. But unpacking that is a whole other _ thing, _ and Ben has enough baggage to deal with and to be honest can’t be _ bothered _with any more.

So yeah, if Ben sees the smallest sliver of himself in Callum’s face, sees fear and confusion and _ denial, _ who has to know. If he spends all afternoon staring so intensely that Jay has to elbow him in the arm and ask if he’s alright, what does it matter. What does it matter.

And if Ben finds himself wanting to follow Callum’s retreating form at the end of the day- to apologise or ask more questions or _ what, _ he doesn’t know- then, well. That’s nobody’s business.

* * *

After the day is over, Callum feels_ tired. _

He climbs into the car with a small smile, and thankfully Mick seems to get that he’s tired and doesn’t ask him much other than an ‘alright?’ as they leave. Callum answers with a short nod before settling his head against the car window, feeling about ready to fall asleep right then and there.

But he can’t stop thinking about- about _ Ben. _ He’d kind of left him alone after that encounter during lunch, and Callum really does wonder what happened. Wonders why he feels kind of bad, too, despite the fact that it’d been Ben who decided to corner him in a hallway for no apparent reason. Callum frowns. He really needs to stop being so _ soft. _

He really, _ really _ needs to stop letting people see right through him.

“I got a call earlier,” Mick says slowly, but Callum jumps at the sound regardless. “Said they can fit you in to talk to the police during half term. You up to it?”

Callum’s mouth feels dry. He feels cold, frozen in his seat. His hands are shaking.

He doesn’t say a word.

Mick glances back at him, briefly. They’re almost home, now, and the roads are busier thanks to the after school rush. If Callum’s lucky maybe Mick’ll be too focused on the road to press any further. Maybe. And the car stops, and Callum thinks maybe he can get out of this- put it off a bit longer- but Mick stops him, leaning around in his seat and patting his shoulder a little awkwardly.

“You don’t have to. If you ain’t ready.” he talks to Callum like he’s a wounded animal, and he can’t decide if he prefers it or not. “S’just they have to get the right time and you know how it is, schedules getting mixed up-”

“No,” Callum says, quietly, and stares down at his hands, clenched tightly against the fabric of his trousers. “No, I- I can do it.” he doesn’t sound sure. Doesn’t think he_ is _, really.

“Good lad.” Mick smiles at him, and he supposes it’s meant to be reassuring. But he feels all spaced-out now, knocked off axis by just the mention, and when Mick says another thing- probably the same vague _ you’re brave _ and _ this can’t be easy for you _ he’s been hearing for the past month- Callum hardly picks up on it.

“Yeah,” he says anyway, gives a quick nod as he moves to get out of the car. Mick shoots a smile and a thumbs up his way, and it’s so_ sincere _ that Callum has to stop himself from looking away.

He’s not _ brave. _ He’s not done something revolutionary and properly _ big _ , nothing that hasn’t been done before and yeah maybe it’s been _ hard _ but he doesn’t deserve to feel like this when-

There’s a faint memory. Held hands and playground smiles, some kind of simple joy. It’s warmth and kindness and _ home. _

Callum smothers it, leaves it at the door when he enters the flat. Noone has to teach him to do that. Noone’s ever told him _ not _ to.

* * *

Ben is still thinking of Callum, which is annoying.

He’s sitting in bed at home, scrolling idly through his Instagram when the thought occurs to him.

As shy as he is (or at least he is right now) it’s not like Callum would have zero social media presence; they’re teenagers. There’s got to be_ something. _ So he spends the next three hours or so kind of cyber-stalking Callum. Or not so much, because he finds practically _ nothing _ on the guy. He searches practically everywhere, tries to remember anything he’d learned about the other but- nothing.

Ben is already questioning why he’s doing this. He tells himself it’s just his typical self, looking for any and all information he could use against someone. But this is different. Of course it is.

Because when he’s on the twelfth page of image results for _ Callum Highway _and spots a picture posted on someone’s Instagram, his heart skips a few beats.

The picture is of Callum- younger, _ softer, _ somehow- and some other boy who Ben hardly really gives a second glance. What he _ does _ have to look twice at is how _ close _ they are; faces pressed together cheek-to-cheek, grins split across their faces. He can’t see much else because of how the photo is cropped, but he swears if he looks really closely near the bottom they’re actually holding hands.

Ben’s gaze keeps drifting to Callum, keeps comparing this bright happy thing to what he’d seen at school, in the hallway. He looks so _ relaxed _ with this guy, and Ben has to wonder what happened.

And of course he’s already drawn his own conclusions; the way these two are looking at eachother, surely they’ve got a _ thing. _ But when he clicks on the picture and is led to an Instagram post where the caption simply reads _ with the lads, _ he’s slightly disappointed.

The post is by chris.k09- who Ben decides he’ll investigate later- but more interestingly is the people tagged in the series of photos. He roots through a few of the accounts, scrolls a bit before throwing them in the _ Not Callum _ column. And then, _ finally. _

Ben clicks onto the profile of _ c.halfway _ and grins triumphantly when he sees the profile picture. It’s definitely Callum- just with a stupider haircut and an actual _ smile. _

His happiness is short lived though, because the account is on private. And after already freaking Callum out earlier, Ben’s pretty sure that trying to follow him on the Instagram he’d given no indication of even _having_ would make him completely avoid Ben forever.

But for now he thinks he’s got enough- Callum’s bio is typical, says he’s in Year 10 (probably a typo, to be fair) and whatever football team he supports. At the end, though, that Chris guy is tagged with a heart._ A heart. _

Ben almost feels like laughing, because _ come on. _He’s really about to have all his suspicions confirmed from a single Instagram bio.

He doesn’t look at Chris’ Instagram for now, because does he need any more proof? There’s obviously something going on between these two, and Ben bets something’s happened to make Callum all shy and _ weird _like he’s been at school. A break up, maybe? Or something more dramatic- maybe the reason why Callum had to move schools in the first place-

Ben glances at the clock on his phone and does a little double-take- it’s almost 2am. Oops.

He may not give a shit about school but he’s not exactly keen on the idea of being half-asleep during first period English, because that teacher hates him as is.

So, with a small sigh, Ben takes a quick screenshot of the post with Callum and Chris, notes down Callum’s username, and switches off his phone.

_ Halfway, _ he thinks. Must be a nickname, some other relic of Callum’s past.

Whatever- _ who _ever- it is, Ben’s going to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey! this chap is a bit boring compared to everything coming up- it's more transitioning stuff, setting up for the rest of the story. next chap (done already basically) is much more exciting i promise!
> 
> hope u guys enjoyed, talk to me on twt @caimitcheii or tumblr @smalltalksmp3 !
> 
> (title and summary lyrics are from inside your mind by the 1975)


	3. razorback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _it's funny how you're fooling everybody but me_

The next day Callum wakes up feeling… mostly fine. He wakes up before his alarm, but he’s used to the lack of sleep at this point.

Mick isn’t up yet, but Linda’s probably already off to go sort out some things with the pub- she’s been left in charge with things lately, what with Mick essentially having taken Callum in. He feels a little guilty, because from what he has seen she looks more tired, now. Both Mick and Linda keep telling him it’s not his fault and they’re more than happy to welcome him into their home, but.

Callum shakes the thought off (or at least tries to) as he jumps in the shower and quickly gets changed. Considering his hair is only half as bad as it was yesterday, he leaves it alone for now, giving it just a small smooth-over as he glances at himself in the mirror.

Though when he goes to check the time, it’s still early; it’s only half six. Callum has two hours give or take before he needs to leave for school, which is two hours of _ nothing. _He could go scroll through his Instagram or something, but he hasn’t been on that since-

Callum frowns and pushes yet another thought back, instead turning to the cupboards._ Find something to distract yourself, _ he’d been told. That _ something _ tends to be impulse cooking and baking; he swears during his first week staying over he’d exhausted the Minute Mart’s entire supply of flour with all the cakes he’d made. And besides, maybe if he does something for Mick he’ll feel a little less guilty about taking up all this space…

A little while later, Callum has the food properly set out. It’s not exactly a full English considering they had two eggs and some debatably edible sausages buried in the freezer, but all things considered he reckons it’s good enough.

Mick walks in and must smell the food immediately, because he immediately moves to go to the table. “Wow, Cal,” he seems legitimately impressed, and Callum can’t help the slight bit of pride that springs up in him. “You- you didn’t ‘ave to do this, y’know that?”

“‘Course I do.” Callum shrugs, rummaging around for his jacket. “Was just bored,” he finds it and shrugs it on loosely before sliding into his seat at the table. “Woke up early, so.”

“Well… alright then. Can’t argue with that.” Mick gives a small smile and takes a bite out of the sausage sandwich Callum had made in an attempt to hide the slightly beat-up looking sausages he’d found. “S’great! Thanks Cal.” part of Callum’s mind wants to reject the compliment, but he gives a shy smile and ducks his head down. 

They eat their breakfast in silence, and Callum feels for once _ comfortable. _And maybe for some comfortable isn’t much, but considering the mess his life has been lately.. it’s a relief. A relief that doesn’t last long, because Mick decides it’s a good time to pick up on yesterday’s conversation from the car.

“Look, um, about all that talkin’ to the police n’ all,” Mick begins slowly, and there’s that same tone as the other day. Slow. Overly gentle. Though Callum doesn’t know what else there is- joking about it or something? Like _ hey remember that thing that you’re probably kind of traumatised over, yeah haha wasn’t that funny, let’s talk about it! _

Callum can feel the walls closing in on him already. And isn’t it funny that a month ago he’d finally gotten out of there and that’s supposed to be the _ hardest part. _And yet.

“You don’t.. have to, if you ain’t ready.” Callum realises maybe a little too late that Mick is still talking. “It’s all still new and all and if you wanna wait that’s cool- that’s fine.”

“No,” he rushes out, before hastily shovelling a piece of toast into his mouth. “I mean-” a bit of toast falls out of his mouth and drops sadly onto his plate. Callum scrunches his nose in annoyance.

“Really though,” Mick is trying his hardest not to laugh at Callum’s current predicament, he can tell. “If you don’t want to we can tell them to reschedule or whatever- whatever’s best for ya, alright?” Callum tries to chew his toast as quickly as possible despite the fact that he really isn’t keen on talking about this right now. 

“I’m.. fine.” Callum says, and maybe he means it. Depends what your definition of _ fine _ is. “Honestly. If something happens I’ll tell you.”

But he won’t. Because despite everything being properly out there now Callum can’t face it head on. He doesn’t think he’s had a conversation about it that hasn’t been purposefully vague, all avoided glances, carefully phrased questions about it.

_ It. _ Callum still can’t put a name to it. He knows what it was, though. Even if he’s been _ avoiding _ it-

And ugh. There goes his morning, ruined already.

“Look,” he says to Mick, polite as can be, all things considered. “It’s just- I don’t wanna talk about it right now. Not really.”

“Yeah yeah, that’s fine. We’ll leave it alone for now, yeah?” Mick is quick to reassure him. Callum is looking for any signs that he’s just faking it, but there’s.. nothing. Mick gets up and goes to put the dishes near the sink and doesn’t seem wholly bothered, and it’s. It’s..

Callum doesn’t know. It’s _ weird. _

(He kind of feels like he doesn’t deserve it.)

* * *

Ben stops off at Lola’s with Jay before school that morning. No McDonalds today but Lola, the absolute queen, has thrown together some bacon sarnies.

To be honest he’s always preferred it here, in the dingy little flat that Lola and Jay had been saving up for for ages. Here feels more like _ home _ than anything, where they can watch trashy TV like Jeremy Kyle and laugh at the families on there as if their own lives aren’t half worthy of that show anyway.

“So,” Lola rests her head on one hand, grinning at Ben. Jay has, somehow, lost his car keys and is now frantically searching for them. “Anything exciting happened yet?”

“Nah, not really.” Ben shrugs, taking a sip of his tea. “You tryin’ to get a lead on the drama or somethin’? You don’t usually ask til the third week.”

“Well, Jay just so happened to mention to me-” oh, of course. “-you and some _ new kid. _Disappeared off with him at lunch and stayed there for a while. Somethin’ you wanna tell me?”

Ben almost tells her the truth, but maybe Lola wouldn’t approve of him cornering random people on their first day at school and making them look half-ready for a breakdown. “Sorry to disappoint, but there’s nothin’ going on there,” he pauses. “..yet.”

“You fancy him, then?” sometimes Ben forgets that Lola is actually older than him. She gossips like a primary schooler half the time, but he loves her anyway.

“He was starin at him all afternoon!” Jay calls out from the kitchen, followed by some rummaging and a, _ “got ‘em!” _

“Oooh.” Lola wiggles her eyebrows, and again Ben isn’t really going to tell her the truth. Besides, he won’t deny that Callum is a bit fit, and if the whole gay theory is right then maybe they can have a bit of a _ thing. _“Well, you best keep me updated. Tell me if somethin’ happens, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Ben rolls his eyes with a small smile, getting up to leave as Jay walks through with his keys in hand. “I’ll see ya when I get back, alright?”

“Don’t miss me too much!” Lola gives him a little pat on the back before pulling him into a tight hug, all smiles as she sees Jay and Ben off.

And yeah. Yeah, it’s nice.

* * *

Ben watches Callum during tutor.

Seeing him now, something’s different. He’s seen that picture- knows what Callum looks like _ happy- _ and he doesn’t need to be some kind of psychological genius to know that his expression now is the total opposite. And maybe he’s overthinking, maybe one picture isn’t really enough to go off of anyway, but he looks so much more _ tired _now.

_ Christ, Ben. _He shakes his head and rids himself of the thought. This is all just him messing Callum around a bit, not getting invested in whatever his past might be. No need to get more attached than he needs to.

And anyways, he needs to wait.

See, he has all this information now, but dropping it suddenly is just… boring. He needs to properly wind Callum up first, maybe hint a bit at what he knows before dropping it on him. And if he gets it right- then hey, he might find out some more info as well.

So he sticks to watching, for now. Callum takes his seat next to Jay and Ben gives a smirk and a wink, causing the other to kind of just- splutter, face going red.

This- this will be fun.

* * *

Callum feels annoyed. Ben’s been staring at him all day so far and if that isn’t making him feel weird enough he keeps being- _ cryptic. _ Giving him these weird smug looks as if he knows something Callum doesn’t, and as they enter Spanish (god knows why Callum had been forced into _ that _ after moving schools) he brushes shoulders with him, for just a moment. It feels kind of… _ electric, _ and Callum doesn’t want to think about why.

Whatever, it’s almost lunch. If he’s lucky Ben isn’t going to trap him in a hallway this time.

Their teacher gives them a seating plan, and Callum thanks god that he isn’t sat next to Ben here- the other is sat two rows in front of him. His own seat is up against a wall, and when he sits down a girl with bright red hair follows next to him.

“Hi,” she whispers as the teacher starts droning on about the typical _ what you did during the holidays _ topic. “You new? I ain’t seen you before.”

Callum takes a moment to reply, because he’s kind of preoccupied trying to burn holes into the back of Ben’s head. “Um- yeah,” he says slowly, dragging his gaze away from Ben and onto the girl. Wow, her hair is- very red. “I’m Callum. Just started here.”

“Whitney,” the girl gives him a lopsided smile, fiddling idly with her pen. “How’re you findin’ things? Can’t imagine this place is the most luxurious to an outsider.”

_ Considering what I’m going through, _ Callum thinks somewhat bitterly, _ this place is a bloody resort. _He doesn’t say this, obviously, because Whitney is just trying to be nice and he’s not about to lose his one chance at friendship that isn’t Jay or Ben (is Ben even a friend? He doesn’t know.)

Instead he gives her a small smile, looking back down at the blank page of his book. “S’fine here, I think. So far, at least.” ignoring the dodgy people cornering him in hallways trying to find out his secrets.

“Glad you think so-” Whitney’s gaze suddenly snaps up to the teacher when she realises she’s being asked a question. “Um. Sorry, what?”

Someone behind Whitney snickers. “She was too busy_ flirting, _ Miss.”

Callum feels his face heating up as Whitney turns to face whoever said it. _ “Oi-” _

“That your new boyfriend?” someone else asks, in a tone that Callum doesn’t like at all. “Ya really do move on fast, huh.” A weird look crosses Whitney’s face and she quickly turns back around, sinking back into her seat red-faced. She looks… weirdly ashamed.

_ “Moving on,” _the teacher snaps, and that should be the end of it. But Whitney seems to be a little off the whole lesson- even if Callum’s only known her for like twenty minutes at most, it’s obvious that comment struck a nerve somehow.

“Hey,” he tries at the end of the lesson, hesitating a little before putting a hand on her shoulder (what he hopes is) reassuringly. “Um- whatever they said to ya- they ain’t worth it.” he gives her a smile, and at least she seems to be a little less irritated now. “Don’t let them get to ya, alright?”

Whitney looks legitimately surprised, only blinking at Callum for a few moments before shaking her head with a laugh. “Yeah- yeah, thanks.” she gets up, gathering hers and Callum’s books up to put them away. She gives his shoulder a small squeeze as she does, shooting him a grin. “You’re nice. I’ll see you around, Callum.”

Callum blinks and watches her walk away, kind of bewildered at how easy that conversation had gone. Slowly, a smile makes its way onto his face- maybe this isn’t actually as hard as he’d thought.

He’s so busy revelling in his own happiness that he doesn’t notice Ben staring at him, gaze dangerous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE UPDATE! this is HALF of the original chap 3 - which is totally finished btw, so as soon as i decided to split up the chapter i could post this haha. the other half of the chapter is where things like... properly kick off BUT that being said there's a good amount here as well!! upon reading the original chap 3 (4500 words WHEW) it had too much going on imo + skips a few days so i decided to split!
> 
> as always follow me on twt @caimitcheii and tumblr @smalltalksmp3 ! title and summary are from the song razorback by rachel mallin


	4. confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _that makes us the same, and it weighs you down_

Ben waits. He watches Callum and Whitney slowly become friends, bonding over shittily-spoken Spanish and horrific attempts at maths problems. He watches with a dark feeling curling in his gut, something ugly and jealous rearing its head. And no, Ben tells himself, he isn’t getting attached. It’s just that he’s seen the way Whitney looks at him and the way Callum tries to, has stared at that picture on his phone for minutes on end trying to piece together a story, and all he knows is  _ those aren’t the same thing. _

It fits together. He knows it does. But he puts it off, winds Callum up a little longer. A brush of the shoulder, a sly grin when he catches the other staring, a stray pickup line during tutor that makes Jay cringe and shake his head.

It’s only a matter of time. He watches Callum change, some kind of pent-up frustration in his eyes everytime he crosses Ben’s path.

On Friday, Ben spots Whitney and Callum in the canteen, looking at something on Whitney’s phone. Callum laughs and Whitney drops her head to his shoulder, grinning up at him all open and happy. 

He stares straight at Callum, makes sure the other can properly see him before he slips into the hallway.

* * *

Callum goes after Ben. He doesn’t know why, because Whitney had been upset and all because the next cat video was apparently even cuter than the last and-

“Hello again,” Ben says casually, leaning against the wall. At least he hasn’t got Callum completely blocked in this time. Even so he can’t help looking at him, at the cut on his cheek that seems to have miraculously healed over the past few days, the smug set of his expression. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Thought you said you were gonna leave me alone?” Callum groans, eyes darting to his exit. They’re not that far away from the canteen at this point, so he could make a run for it if he wanted. But, he kind of wants to know what Ben’s bloody problem with him  _ is.  _ Callum’s only been here for like four days and he really, really isn’t looking to make enemies of anyone if he’s being honest. But if Ben’s going to continue being like this for no reason whatsoever…

“Didn’t hold you at gunpoint, did I?” Ben shrugs. “But just sayin'. You and Whitney there seemed.. awfully _ cozy.” _ he gives that all-knowing smirk again. Callum hates it. “Guess she couldn’t resist her own  _ knight in shining armour.” _

“I defended her the once,” Callum fires back, folding his arms. “What, you wouldn’t’ve done the same thing?”

“Oooh, protective.” Ben leans forward, all in Callum’s space. He doesn’t move back. “I like that in a man.”

..Wait.

Callum’s face may as well be on fire right now. “Wait- are you-” he splutters uselessly for a few moments, looking at anything  _ but _ Ben. “Have you been-  _ flirting _ with me?!” he feels a bit bad if he’s been- leading Ben on or something, but what could he have done to do that anyway? Has he been acting weird or something? Not that it’s  _ weird  _ to be-  _ like that- _ but he just- isn’t, alright?

Ben blinks in what seems like surprise before going back to his previous expression. Still so self-satisfied. “You noticed already! Amazing. Thought I’d have to do all the work for you.” he’s inching closer with every word, leaning up to meet Callum’s gaze. He tries not to to meet Ben’s predatory stare, the grin that stretches menacingly across his face. “Depends, though,” he drawls, and Callum swears he feels his breath on his ear. “Did you want me to be?”

“What-” finally, Callum all-but launches himself away from Ben. He doesn’t know why he feels so  _ disgusted, _ all of a sudden. “No, of course- I ain’t- m’not like  _ that-” _

“You ain’t what?” Ben is relentless, closing in on him, steady gaze and unwavering confidence. _ “Gay?” _

And that word-  _ gay- _ Callum doesn’t know why that makes him feel so-

_ “My son ain’t some perverted kind of-!” harsh words even harder punches and he meets  _ his _ gaze over his shoulder.  _ Go, _ he says, but he stays anyway of course he does. And his dad whips around, a storm of anger and disappointment and pure _ rage _ and- _

_ Shut up shut up shut up  _ Callum jolts back into reality, hands shaking and he wishes Ben would back off again this time, but he’s staring at him so intent and he doesn’t think he can  _ take _ it much longer.

“No, no-” Callum throws his hands up in front of him, as if they would somehow stop Ben’s words from hitting as hard as they already have. “Look, mate- I don’t know what you think I am but I’m not-”

“Come on,” Ben leers at him, voice too slow. He just wants this over with. “I’ll ask you again-”

Callum can only watch, frozen in fear, as Ben leans in _ too close _ and whispers, “what’s your secret,  _ Halfway?” _

And he feels himself lurching forward before he can even properly process what he’s said.

* * *

Damn. Turns out  _ Halfway _ can throw a punch.

Ben cringes as he holds a tissue to his nose; he doesn’t know what the hell Callum hates so much about his old nickname, but whatever it was had made the other boy give him one hell of a whack.

So now they’re outside the head teacher’s office, which is- great, really. Maybe if he’s lucky,  _ he _ won’t be here today.

Ben’s luck seems to have been punched away, though. Because yep, the bald-headed old man that pulls the office door open with a less than pleasant expression is definitely his dad.

_ “Mr. Mitchell,”  _ he greets mockingly, and Callum- who’s been staring blankly at the wall since they got here- shoots up. “Thought I’d avoid seeing you for another few days.”

_ “Ben,” _ Phil narrows his eyes, and  _ damn _ for a head teacher he is really bad at hiding his hatred for children. “Mr. Sticup was just explaining what happened. Think you and…” he glances at Callum, obviously trying to guess who the hell this random kid is.  _ “...him _ should come do the same.”

Ben groans and, in the slowest manner possible, drags himself into the office and down into a chair next to Callum.

He hadn’t been expecting Callum to  _ punch  _ him, really. It’d just been a bit of a wind-up on his part, but now he’s just even more interested. If he gets that way just from the nickname, then what if he mentioned Chris- what if he mentioned whatever the hell those two used to be?

Because Callum had denied being gay- looked outright  _ disgusted _ in a way Ben has known, has looked in the mirror and seen facing back at him. But he doesn’t know. That picture- the godforsaken  _ hearts in their instagram bios-  _ had all seemed very.. familiar.

Ben grits his teeth. He’s not thinking of  _ that _ right now.

“Callum,” Phil, who must’ve gone digging through the school records for his name, finally says, snapping Ben back to reality. “Would you like to.. explain the situation?”

“Um,” Callum looks awkward to say the least, sat unsettlingly stiff and gaze darting every which way as if he’s trapped here. “It was just- a stupid little scrap. Got out of hand, we were just messin’.”

Mr. Sticup, the bastard, is standing in the corner. He doesn’t like Ben, so of course he had to be the one to come across him in the hallway with a nosebleed, Callum staring at him wide-eyed and kind of confused. “That’s not what  _ I _ saw,” he states, just for the sake of being annoying.

“That’s all that happened.” Callum reaffirms, and Ben’s kind of surprised that he’s lying. But then again, getting your parents called the second day of a new school doesn’t sound great for him. Well, Ben wouldn’t care. But. “Honest. Didn’t mean to hit him that hard.”

Phil- sorry,  _ Mr. Mitchell- _ leans forward, toward Callum. “You sure?” he asks. Of course. “Ben has a.. record.. of provoking other students.”

Ben snorts loudly. The clock reads 12:25. Lunch’ll be over in twenty minutes.

“Quiet, please.” Mr. Sticup is absolutely delighting in being able to give Ben a telling off just a few days into the year. He swears to god next time he’s in that godforsaken English lesson he’ll give him hell.

“No, really. That’s all it was.” Callum persists, actually looking a bit miffed himself. Ben really,  _ really _ wants to know what the hell goes on in this guy’s head.

“Callum,” Phil’s gaze flicks back to Ben for a moment, before he continues, “if there’s something you’re too scared to tell us- we can ask Ben to leave.”

Oh. Oh, for_ fuck’s_ _sake._

“..what?” Callum is leaning back in his seat, away from the desk. Something in his expression’s changed, but this time Ben can’t place what. “I don’t- I don’t follow.”

“Yeah, Mr. Mitchell,” Ben crosses his arms, staring daggers at his dad. “You wanna  _ elaborate?”  _ of course he knows already. Head teacher or not, Phil Mitchell is still his dad, and there’s too many parts of Ben that his dad hates about him.

This one is just the easiest to use against him.

“I’m just saying,” Phil turns to Ben, and on anyone else maybe that stare would be scary. “This wouldn’t be the first time a pupil retaliated after you’ve  _ come onto _ them.”

Ben stands, finally, smacking his hands on the desk and sending a few papers scattering about. “Yeah, sorry dad. Couldn’t help it, y’know? Just had to have him right then and there in the bloody hallway.” he’s told himself over and over this isn’t worth getting upset over, that he’s gone through worse and yet.  _ And yet. _

_ “Ben.” _ Phil warns. It’s only so he doesn’t look bad in front of his students. Because he can be a bad parent all he wants, but god forbid his ‘teaching’ goes to shit as well.

Ben barks out a bitter laugh. “You know what, I don’t care.  _ Whatever.” _ he grabs his bag from where he’d dumped it on the floor, kicking the chair back, and moves to leave.

“If it’s worth anything-” Ben pauses at the doorway, glancing back at Callum. The other looks at Ben like he’s seen a ghost, the same look he’d gotten before punching Ben in the hallway. “-I deserved it. He didn’t do nothing wrong.”

With that, he leaves, slamming the door shut behind him.

* * *

“You shouldn’t do that.” Ben hears from behind him.

After that little ordeal in the office he hadn’t gone back to lunch- or any of his lessons after. He’d shot a quick text to Jay about it, that he’ll walk to Lola’s on his own and meet him there.

Currently, he’s got his house keys and Phil’s car, and, well.

Callum Highway is stood there, right behind him.

“Wasn’t doing anything.” Ben says immediately, despite the fact that he has the keys held right up to the front door. In all honesty he doesn’t care what Callum has to say about it, but it’s fun to wind him up by playing dumb. “Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“School ended five minutes ago.” Callum says, looking a little concerned. Oh, so Ben had been out here moping for longer than he’d thought. He’ll send another text to Jay later. “You should um- go, probably. Before someone else comes along and tells Mr. Mitchell-”

“As if I care what he thinks of me.” Ben rolls his eyes, but chucks the keys back in his pocket before fully turning to face the other boy. Truth be told, he  _ does _ care at least a little, and he’d already been standing there for a good few minutes hyping himself up to just  _ do it.  _ “Anyway. What do you want? Thought you wouldn’t want anything to do with me after that.”

“Um,” Callum shuffles on his feet, glancing at the floor. “I came to- say sorry. About- about that, in the office.”

Ben stares at him for a moment, and he has to admit he’s legitimately surprised; he’d expected Callum to be mad if anything, maybe come along expecting a round two. “..what exactly do you have to apologise for?”

“Mr. Mitchell- still kind of thinks you did something to provoke me. Didn’t call my parents or anything but- y’know. Not good for you, I guess.” he scuffs his foot against the curb awkwardly, as if he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself.

“No offense, but he’s done worse.” Ben shrugs, before decidedly plonking himself down on the street, against the wall that surrounds the school. This area behind the school is quieter; it’s staff parking that’s gone mostly hidden to most of the students, and half the staff don’t use it anyway because it’s not exactly the most welcoming place on earth with the scattered gravel and graffitied pavements.

Callum hesitates for a second or two, before sitting beside Ben. They’re still a decent way apart, though. “So, um.. he’s your dad then?”

“Yep.” Ben leans back, gathering some of the gravel in his hands and chucking it in no particular direction. “Was the homophobia a bit of a giveaway?”

Callum winces. “You, uh- called him  _ dad. _ In the office, actually.” he says, turning a pebble over in his hands. “But um- he shouldn’t- talk to you like that. Or assume things about you just because you’re, you know.” he gestures vaguely.

Ben shakes his head. “You can’t even say it, can you,” he murmurs, quiet enough that Callum has to ask him what he’d said.

Ben doesn’t answer. A slight breeze shakes another few leaves from a nearby tree. It’s… oddly peaceful.

He looks at Callum’s face, and he seems… troubled. There’s something more to the set of his expression, the slight furrow of his brows. And he almost asks. Right now would be the perfect time to, wouldn’t it, because at least some of the weird tension has dissipated. And despite everything this is the most open Ben has seen the other boy so far- he’s not trying to hide his emotions this time, at least.

He so nearly goes for it. Has his hand breaching the space between them, words at the tip of his tongue, when Callum’s phone goes off and the moment is broken.

Ben watches the other boy get up, mumble a few apologetic words to Ben and then to his phone. And then he’s gone.

It takes a few moments to blink himself back into reality, after that. Though the dozen missed calls from Jay that suddenly decide to make themselves known do a good enough job of that.

Ben shakes his head and calls Jay up, hands shaking as he presses the button.

* * *

Later, Ben finds a piece of paper shoved hastily in his blazer pocket.

Upon opening it and squinting for a good few moments, a scratchy sentence eventually makes itself clear:

<strike>MR MITCH</strike> YOUR DAD IS A BIT OF AN ASSHOLE .

-CAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY sorry this chapter is a little late!! i honestly meant to get it out earlier but i was preoccupied writing my other oneshot 'family'- if you havent read that you should! unfortunately next chapter will probably be late as well- i'm off in liverpool for tomorrow and thursday for some shopping so obviously i wont' be able to write. hope yall enjoyed this tho!
> 
> talk to me on tumblr @smalltalksmp3 and twitter @caimitcheii !! summary is again from razorback by rachel mallin <3


	5. molecules of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ all that's left is molecules of you_

Over the weekend, Ben gets some time to think.

What he thinks about; his dad, his slowly declining English grades, how those slowly declining grades are probably the fault of goddamn Mr. Sticup.

What he thinks about most, however, is Callum.

He’s still got that piece of paper, pinned above the desk in his room. Jay had laughed when he’d first seen it, though that’d only been  _ after _ Ben had explained the whole situation. His immediate reaction when Ben had pushed open the door to his and Lola’s flat at 5pm carrying a bag of chips had been  _ why did Phil send me a text about being careful around you _ and then  _ oh my god your face what happened. _ At least Jay had sided with Ben on this, because really.

But yeah, Jay had mostly let Ben explain, and then Lola had come in to start gossiping about it. 

“Here I thought you’d finally found someone,” she’d tutted playfully, dabbing away at the dried up blood beneath Ben’s nose with a wet paper towel. Ben had simply sighed, rolled his eyes and continued picking away at his chips.

The piece of paper stayed in his pocket the whole time. Jay hadn’t had much to say other than the obvious laugh and neither had Lola, so Ben’s just kept it to himself.

But he keeps- looking at it. Which isn’t great considering he has maths homework to do. 

But he has questions, like why did he need a note to say that? Why did he feel the  _ need _ to say it at all? Sure he’d seemed apologetic and all, but.. really.

Callum’s behaviour in general that day is confusing him, too. Watching him in the hallway had brought forth one single, clear conclusion; very,  _ very _ deeply closeted gay. But then he’d remembered Chris and honestly, Ben doesn’t believe for one second that can just be  _ no homo _ ’d away. And then he’d gone out of his way to find Ben at the end of the day for a little chitchat. And yeah sure it’d basically been the whole  _ homophobia is bad  _ thing Ben’s gotten from a million other straight people who don’t quite know what to say, but it’s just- he doesn’t know.

He’s trying to piece together this puzzle and it’s growing more complicated the deeper he goes. Callum looks at Whitney and Ben and Chris and all of those are  _ different, _ Ben’s just trying to figure out how.

On Saturday night at 3am after a few more failed attempts at getting his maths homework done, Ben leans back in his chair and groans. He swipes to that picture of Callum and Chris, lets himself linger on it for a few seconds.

He looks happier here. So much happier. His haircut might look kind of stupid and there’s a sort of generally messed-up look about him that seems a little offputting, but from what Ben can tell Callum’s smile here is purely  _ genuine. _

Ben is starting to think he’s going a little mad, hyperfocusing on this one specific photo, so after a moment or two of debating his sanity he shakes his head and opens Instagram.

Chris.k09 seems like your average teenage boy, to be fair; his bio is basically the same as Callum’s- though notably devoid of the other’s name in a  _ heart, _ which he still can’t really believe is a thing. His recent posts seem completely empty of any Callum, so Ben takes a good scroll down his page and-

_ Ah, got it. _

The very first post on Chris’ account is a video. Opening this video immediately gets Ben assaulted with the noise of Callum’s squeaky-voiced Year 7 self screaming as he scores a goal in football (of course it’s football.) Chris- who he assumes is recording- yells back in response, muffled as the boys start to run toward eachother. The video cuts out on Callum’s grinning face, barreling right toward the camera.

Ben won’t lie, he replays that video like, three times before moving on from it. 

And by  _ moving on _ he means going through the rest of Chris’ Instagram, which is essentially a mini timeline of Callum’s life. There’s some other people on there that Ben learns to recognise- some guy with dorky glasses and some old bald guy who looks about ready to fight someone in every single picture. But it’s mostly Callum- Callum and Chris.

He swears he spends an unhealthy amount of time going through the pictures, and each one only furthers his suspicions that something definitely happened between them. Like really, there’s even a video of the two watching a fireworks display, and even in the dim light Ben can see the way they look at eachother is not just  _ friends.  _ It makes his heart ache in a way he hasn’t felt for years. He decidedly doesn’t expand on that thought, pushes it back far enough that he’ll eventually forget it passed.

Eventually, though, Ben runs into a dead end. Posted about two months ago is a photo of Chris and Callum; they’re holding hands, giving eachother soft smiles. This, he thinks, is the final evidence. They look purely in love here and even the caption is just a bunch of hearts, the comments from friends a similar case.

But then Callum disappears from Chris’ Instagram completely.

Chris has posted a few dozen pictures since then, and none of them involve Callum. Not a single trace. Like Callum had been cut off- just like that.

Ben feels like he’s missing something. 

Ben’s starting to wonder if it’s better that way.

* * *

Callum, at this point, is genuinely unsure about where he and Ben stand.

After rushing off on Friday (Mick had been a bit annoyed at him because he’d been waiting ages in the car) he’d not really gotten to ask Ben the questions he’d meant to. For example, how the hell Ben knows  _ Halfway.  _ But he’d seen him there, ready to scratch up his dad’s car and for some reason he’d felt his mouth go dry, stomach roll in a way he hasn’t felt since-

Since, well.  _ Halfway. _

Because  _ Halfway _ might have been him, once upon a time. But then there’s  _ this _ and he’s cut off all ties with that life, all ties with that mess he’d called  _ living _ . And yeah maybe he’s still just sixteen and there’s  _ so much more out there for him _ but it already feels like his life is split into two parts; before and after.

And still Callum doesn’t know which part he prefers. The before was  _ hiding _ and  _ fear _ but he’s still hiding now, isn’t he, in vague conversations and denials and that godforsaken confrontation in the hallway. This is supposed to be the  _ after.  _ After all the pain, after keeping secrets and isolation. But this feels the same. He’s not supposed to feel afraid of things anymore, and yet all this just feels like a replay of the  _ before.  _ Nothing’s changed.

So maybe he can pretend it never happened. He’ll hide every part of himself he’d sworn he wouldn’t after he left. And maybe it’ll keep going on like this, and maybe Callum will let it, because maybe things are better this way. Maybe maybe  _ maybe. _

Callum spirals. He holes himself up in his room all throughout the weekend, thanks God that Mick and Linda are happy to give him space.

Sunday night he should be spending doing homework. Sunday night he should be eating dinner with Linda and Mick and being excited for his second week. Sunday night he should be  _ happy. _

Sunday night Callum spends lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. He thinks of the past and the future, thinks of the life he left behind. Thinks of the one that lies before him, with Mick and Ben and Whitney and so many others he doesn’t know yet.

Sunday night, Callum finally admits to himself that he might be just a little scared.

* * *

Monday is PE. Which is.. great.

Look- Ben’s not out of shape or anything but the idea of PE is just awful. Especially on a _ Monday.  _ Thankfully he’d drank a debatably healthy amount of energy drinks before school today, and he doesn’t look as tired as he feels- which he will, for now, blame on his unending search for some other evidence of Callum’s past. While Chris’ Instagram had been a lot, it’s still not enough to get the full picture. And Ben’s thoughts can only take him so far.

So today maybe he’ll dig a bit more, try to get under Callum’s skin and actually stick there this time.

However he doesn’t really know if the other will want much to do with him (despite their kind of friendly conversation on Friday,) so when Callum comes up beside him as they walk up to PE he’s a little surprised.

“Hey,” he says to Ben and waves at Jay. He sounds tired, and a quick glance at the bags under his eyes confirms his suspicion. “What exactly do we do in PE?”

Jay shrugs as they round the corner to the building that holds the changing rooms and hall; it’s a dingy run-down place, another result of the school’s shit funding despite the unbelievable amount of paid non-uniform days they’ve had. “Like, rounders an’ stuff. No actual PE ‘cause we ain’t got a teacher anymore.”

Callum nods along, tilting his head at that end part. “What happened? To the old teacher, I mean.”

Jay goes silent, for a few awkward seconds. Of course Callum wouldn’t know, but when their old PE teacher had gotten fired it had been all everyone could talk about for weeks. Noone knew why and to be fair they still don’t, but the rumours had flown. Ben would admit to adding to them a little, after overhearing his dad talking about it and, well, he just couldn’t pass up the chance to fuck up his reputation a little.

“Mr. King got fired.” Ben fills in the silence, just as they reach the PE building. “He was an asshole anyway.”

Callum nods without saying anything else, seemingly content with leaving it at that. Ben’s kind of glad he doesn’t have to open that can of worms for now. But if Callum’s new BFF Whitney is anything to go by… well, it probably won’t stay that way for long.

Ben shakes his head as they reach the boys changing rooms and goes off to get changed on his own. “Where you going?” Callum asks, gesturing to the doors of the changing room.

“Get changed on my own, don’t I?” Ben shrugs. “Don’t want a _ dirty pervert _ like me eyeing up the boys, do they?”

Callum winces and gives an awkward little nod and smile before darting into the changing room. Ben can’t help but laugh a little; of course he’d avoid the damn subject. It’s not like he was trying to wind him up, though; as soon as some random boy had somehow convinced himself Ben was attracted to him (which- ew, no) in Year 7, Phil had been all-too eager to make Ben get changed in the bloody  _ toilets _ for PE. Whatever, they’re actually cleaner than the shithole they call changing rooms anyway.

Ben passes Whitney on the way; she’s already in her PE kit somehow, sitting on her own. He can’t help but think that just a year ago, that wouldn’t have been the case.

He frowns and pushes the thought aside. It’s just PE.

* * *

They’re doing rounders. That’s just lovely.

Callum absolutely despises rounders. Of course, half the class do, but the PE teacher (who, according to Jay, is an old history teacher) had been very persistent in his belief that this was a sport that  _ united both genders.  _ Whatever that rubbish meant. Besides, they’re separated into gendered teams. Callum doesn’t see what’s so  _ united _ about that.

Either way. Rounders is rubbish and Callum’s equally as rubbish mood is not helping that.

“The girls team doesn’t have enough people!” the teacher shouts above the racket of the student. “Can three people move over, thanks!”

“Ben should go,” one of the boys behind Callum laughs. “Practically one anyway, ain’t he?”

Callum just about turns around to yell at them, but before he can Ben cuts in. “Think you’re right, mate. View’s better from over there too.” he winks at the boy- who sputters angrily- before striding over. He gestures to Jay and then-

Oh. He’s asking Callum to go over there as well. And now everyone’s looking at him, so now he can’t really just say no, can he? Besides, Whitney’s over there as well, and she’s kind of just hovering outside the little crowd on her own. Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Callum knows he does, after that little mess of a weekend he’d had.

With a small sigh to himself, he walks over to the group. Ben claps him on the back with a wide grin, and Jay sends an apologetic glance his way. Thankfully he does manage to catch Whitney’s eye; the girl runs over to him in an instant, grinning.

“Callum, hey!” she whispers. The teacher is droning on about the rules as if they don’t know them already. “Had a good weekend?”

“Great, yeah.” Callum nods at her, keeping a nervous eye on the two team captains having a little decider race for first pick of batting or fielding. “Sorry, I probably should’ve given you some way to talk to me.” his words feel a little awkward and stilted, though he tries not to make it so; even if he’s feeling a bit under the weather he does like talking to her.

“S’alright,” Whit waves it off, then winces. “Ugh, we batting first?”

Considering the team is currently racing toward the bats, Callum would say yeah. “..I’ll give you my Instagram after lesson, yeah? We can talk more then.” maybe this’ll get him to use the damn thing a bit more, at least.

“Sounds great!” she yells over her shoulder, jogging over to the bats with a kind of unnecessary amount of speed. To be fair, Callum doesn’t care all too much; he’s fine with being toward the back of the line. Just.. not last.

When he walks up to the little queue that’s formed to bat, Whitney is waving him over, holding two bats in hand and- oh, she’s right in front of Ben and Jay.

“Alright, Callum?” Ben is waving his bat around like a mad man. Jay looks about ready to have a heart attack over the amount of close calls he’s had. “Don’t think I needed to even ask you to come over if  _ she _ was here.” he points to Whitney with his bat.

The girl laughs, pushing it back in Ben’s direction. “Come off it, mate.” she wraps his arm around Callum and that’s.. a thing. “Jealous, aren’t ya?”

Ben raises his eyebrows. “Totally.  _ Friendship goals.” _

Callum glares at him as he goes up to bat.

* * *

The rest of the rounders game goes.. relatively well, actually. Callum misses the ball each time he goes up, but then again so does everyone else. Except Whitney, who turns out to be surprisingly good at this kind of thing- he swears with how far she knocked the ball across the field she could’ve done two rounds and still had time to spare.

He claps overdramatically when she runs back to the team, throwing her bat down with a little cheer and a tiny hop in place.

“Damn!” one of the boys from the other teams whistles. “So  _ that’s _ why King liked you so much.”

Whitney outright freezes in place. Just- goes completely still, skin ghostly pale.

“Oi, you shut it!” one of the girls yells back at him. “I’ll throw this bloody bat at your head, ya rat!”

That little argument (and the teacher’s futile attempt to stop it) goes completely unregarded to Callum’s ears. He goes over to the spot where Whitney still is; now crouched down a little in the grass, face hidden by her hair. She must hear Callum coming but doesn’t react, aside from tilting her head in his direction.

“Sorry.” she mumbles. “S’just- I overreacted-”

“Nah, you’re alright.” Callum debates it for a few moments before sitting next to her, placing a (hopefully comforting) hand on her back. “You okay?”

She shakes her head. “No. M’sick of- of _ this.”  _ she splays her hands out in the air, and consequently loses her balances and topples over, right next to Callum on the grass. “Ugh.”

Callum is silent, because truthfully he hasn’t got the slightest clue what she’s talking about. _King-_ the old PE teacher? Who got fired…

Something clicks in Callum’s mind. He’d apparently _ liked _ her.

Oh, _ god. _

_ Please don’t be. _ “Whit..” he starts slowly, in a tone he knows he must’ve picked up from Mick. “Is this ‘cause of what those kids said? About-”

_ “Don’t-”  _ Whitney cuts herself off with a sharp inhale of breath, before looking at Callum properly for the first time since her little celebration. She looks so different, now; lip trembling where she’d been grinning earlier, eyes puffy and a little red. “Can we just-  _ not  _ talk about that. I’ll be fine, yeah?” she tries, though her smile is weak and wobbly.

Callum almost presses on. He so nearly does. But then he thinks of himself and how he gets when Mick sometimes presses a little too much, how he all of a sudden feels so  _ trapped.  _ How much he’s always hated it.

“Yeah, alright.” he replies. Whitney blinks at him, clearly shocked, before her shoulders sag in what must be relief. “Whatever’s best for you, yeah?” okay, he definitely got that one from Mick.

Whitney’s quiet for a moment, before a small, shy smile makes its way onto her face. “..thanks.” she says, and finally stands up. Callum follows, loosely grasping her wrist in his hand. “You’re a- good mate.”

They meet gazes and, for the briefest moment, he feels some sort of understanding spark between them.

* * *

After school- which apart from the PE incident and Ben once again trying to _flirt _(god, he feels a bit stupid for not noticing that sooner) had been largely uneventful- Callum lies back in his bed. He pulls out his phone, purses his lips and clicks onto Instagram. He’d gotten the notification for Whitney following him on the way home, after giving her his username during last period Spanish. Since then he’s gotten about a dozen notifications of her liking all his posts, which is fine. Until it isn’t.

Because he realises everything’s still intact, still a living record of his past. This is another one of those things he’d hoped he could just ignore, bury with the rest of those memories.

But when he goes up to his room after dinner (he’d gone this time; Linda seemed so stressed out these days that it’s the least he can do to help her with dinner) and opens up his Instagram, it all comes flooding back to him. That one constant in almost every picture.

Chris.

And Callum knows- Callum knows moving away doesn’t mean moving  _ on.  _ But he’d hoped that he could at least forget, if only for a moment or two.

Still Chris clings to him like a ghost, all smiles and dark sparkling eyes in what must be over a hundred different pictures, memories that Callum remembers clear as day despite the amount of times he’s tried to rid himself of them. And he scrolls through, of course he does, revisits his own past as if he hasn’t had these pictures burned into his head this whole time.

He sees himself smiling-  _ happy.  _ He sees him and Chris and held hands, soft grins and obnoxious laughter and  _ home.  _ And for a second, he misses that time, longs for the other boy’s company. To see his face just once more, even.

But then it all comes crashing in.

Chris’ Instagram has still been thoroughly used since Callum left. And there, buried beneath cheesy photos of better friends, is Callum. Nothing special, no dramatic announcements or sad break-up posts between them. Just a simple fact of the past.

And maybe that’s what hurts most. That Chris has moved on.

Because Callum remembers the warmth that sprung in his chest when they talked, the conversations they’d had when there were no parents there to hate them for anything. Callum remembers what they were and thinks; how do you just  _ move on _ from that.

Chris must’ve learned how.

Callum just wishes he could, too.

* * *

An hour later, he gets a message from Whitney:  _ who’s this? x  _ and a picture of he and Chris.

It’s the one of them on bonfire night last year; when Chris’ parents finally let him out on his own and Callum’s dad was too drunk to care. That night they’d talked for hours, just the two of them and the hot chocolate and chips they’d bought with money that Chris had told his parents he’d lost.

But the picture doesn’t tell that story. The picture just shows two boys, looking at eachother like it’s all they’ve ever known.

And it had been.

Just.. not anymore.

_ (old mate, noone special x _ Callum replies.

He spends the next two hours deleting every single post of him and Chris. Forces himself to stare before throwing it away, pouring another memory down the drain.  _ Noone special. _

_ Noone special,  _ he’d said, and yet he can’t stop the tears when he deletes the last of them.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE im so sorry this took so so long!! first i was back at school then i got ill but IT'S HERE! hope yall enjoyed, dont have much to say about it myself because ive reread over it so many times that im kind of bored of seeing it LMAO
> 
> talk to me on twt @caimitcheii or tumblr @smalltalksmp3 !


	6. chap 6/7 (READ AUTHOR'S NOTE)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: this fic is discontinued. i will not mark it as finished (because thats misleading) but im not going to update it anymore. i've left the ee fandom completely at this point honestly, and since i'm ending this fic i'll give you all what i had for the next chapter (and some of the next) i will admit it's not my best writing- my heart wasnt really in it but i figured i'd post it anyway.
> 
> sorry to all of yall that wanted to read more, but i hope yall understand and enjoy this bit of what couldve been <3

Ben walks to school on Tuesday; Jay had been in a bit of a mood with him (over Phil, shocker) and to be completely honest he can’t be bothered with it right now. Besides, it gives him an opportunity to think some things over.

He’s been doing that a lot, lately, and it’s always about Callum. Of course he knows what it means, knows fully that there’s more than fascination in those constant thoughts. But it’s- whatever. Ben can at least admit maybe he’s got a bit of a crush on Callum- he won’t hide that. But really, it’s nothing more than that.

And even if it was (because it isn’t) he’s not sure a proper relationship is really an option at the moment. Communication makes a relationship according to Year 7 PSHE, and so far Ben’s only form of communication has been cornering Callum in hallways and getting punched in the face, so-

Ben is abruptly brought back to reality in the form of someone smacking directly into him.

“Oi!” he yells out, taking a step back and squaring his shoulders. “Watch where you’re goin!”

Upon seeing the man who’d bumped into him, Ben kind of squints at him. He looks oddly familiar, though he wonders if it’s just the baldness that’s scarily reminiscent of his dad.

The man shifts uncomfortably under Ben’s stare, though he doesn’t look particularly intimidated. “Um.” he says dumbly. “You.. go to Walford Secondary?” 

This man looks about late twenties at the very least, so Ben’s got reason enough not to trust  _ that.  _ “What’s it to you? Gonna report me for  _ assault?”  _ no doubt Phil would jump at the chance to blame Ben’s (in Phil’s own words)  _ aggressively flamboyant nature.  _ Whatever the hell that means.

“Was lookin’ for it.” the man answers, scratching the back of his neck. He looks a bit like a roadman, in his Adidas trackies and puffer jacket that Ben might actually have in his own wardrobe. “You mind tellin’ me where it is?”

Ben has a few choice words- most of which involve calling him a nonce, or plain telling him to fuck off because he’s kind of running late already. But a weird unsettled feeling comes over him all of a sudden, that gut feeling that tells him to _ go _ even if he wants to be the petty asshole he is. Ben decidedly does not enjoy it.

“Sorry mate,” he says, already turning on his heel. “Have to ask someone else.”

He’s halfway to tutor when he realises.

That dodgy feeling, the odd kind of deja vu- that hadn’t been completely unfounded. Because he remembers, now. That man, in the background of those videos- the videos with Callum. Another scrap of his past.

Ben’s mind is screaming at him to go find the man again, interrogate him for all he knows. See how Callum would react if he showed up. It’d be all he’s wanted, to just know what the hell is going on with this kid’s mysterious past life. And it’d be so, so easy to slip out right now. Noone would miss him, except for Jay maybe. He’d come back with answers.

And at no moment does Ben’s mind suggest turning around and marching into Phil’s office to report  _ some dodgy guy asking around about the pupils,  _ and yet he does anyway.

* * *

Callum is still not in the greatest of moods, and he’s guessing everyone picks up on it pretty quickly.

Jay stops bothering him after a few snappy responses to his typical small talk, and even Ben seems to be lost in his own thoughts during tutor. He doesn’t know if he’s grateful for it, to be perfectly honest. Because yeah he doesn’t really want Ben’s annoying poking at his past again, but the lack of it is.. kind of weird, at this point. That and it gives Callum too much time to just.. think about things.

Like Chris, how Whitney hadn’t seemed content with Callum’s obvious lie of an answer but hadn’t pressed any further. He almost wishes she had, just so he could tell someone, not keep all this bottled up for.. whose sake, he doesn’t even know.  _ Certainly not Chris’,  _ he thinks bitterly.

He knows, deep down, that he can’t blame Chris for moving on. He can’t force him to dwell on what’d happened- between them, between him and his dad.

Callum remembers the bruises, how they’d bled across his skin. The last time he’d seen him they were still just healing. Forcing him to dwell on that would be cruel.

So Callum wishes he knew why he’s so stuck in the past. Why he replays their memories for the fun of it, presses down on where his bruises were and  _ remembers.  _ And isn’t it funny how he still remembers each and every one, each time he was too weak or said the wrong thing or was the perfect punching bag for his dad’s drunken mind.

He remembers some right at his ribcage, swears he can feel the sting of one month ago if he tries hard enough. A series of kicks, unrelenting, _ this is what you get. _

Callum comes to with his hands shaking, ice cold. Clammy sweat building on his palms.

And then, casual as ever, Ben sits beside him. Doesn’t say a word- no bad pickup line or jab that Callum’s come to expect after the week. The silence is a little unnerving, but Callum settles into it, eventually- Ben stays quiet and scribbles down some homework reminder in his planner. The rest of their English lesson is it’s typical level of chatter, yet Callum’s mind zeroes in on the quiet click of Ben’s pen against his paper.

“Alright?” Callum mumbles, avoiding Ben’s gaze. It’s not awkward, really, but Callum’s always been kind of bad at conversation. Much less  _ starting _ one, especially after he's had a bit of a mini-breakdown

Ben startles out of the rhythm of his pen-tapping before turning to Callum. His smile (that in itself is surprising) is.. surprisingly soft. “M’good. Catching up on this maths homework.” he gestures to the piece of paper in front of him; sure enough it’s the homework due in about two lessons time. 

Callum purses his lips; Ben’s only got a bit of question one down on the sheet. “Do you, uh.. need the answers?”

“Wow,  _ cheating?” _ Ben gasps overdramatically, even as he holds his hand out for Callum’s neatly-written answers, workings and all. “I would never.”

In all honesty Callum doesn’t have the energy to think up a proper answer or carry on the conversation; thankfully Ben seems content to get on with it in silence, and they’re back to the chatter of the class and the scribble of Ben’s pen. It’s.. oddly nice. It’s still quiet but at least Callum has something to distract him, keep him from drifting back off into those thoughts. 

Focusing on Ben (and admittedly Callum had been doing that already) he does look.. overly intense considering he’s just doing maths homework. But hey, maybe he’s just kind of bad at maths. He does seem to like English more, though maybe that’s just because he likes one-upping Mr. Sticup. Though noone really likes Mr. Sticup anyway.

Callum’s overthinking this just a little. But hey, at least it’s a better kind of overthinking.

He blinks back into reality when Mr. Sticup starts rambling on about the homework they have. Callum’s never been a fan of English, honestly. He hardly listens as he explains some assignment; getting context for whatever text it is they’re studying, putting it in a powerpoint or whatever.

Ben gives him a little tap on the shoulder as he passes back the maths work. “Uh, Sticup says we can work in groups for the homework. So..” he trails off, scratching his cheek a little awkwardly, and for maybe the first time Ben looks genuinely  _ nervous. _ “If you want to, we can work together.”

“Sure then.” Callum finds himself saying without really thinking about it; to be fair it’s a logical choice. Ben’s good at English, he isn’t. Callum can just… add the fancy transitions to the powerpoint or something.

Besides, it’ll be a good opportunity to get to know the other boy a bit more. They’d gotten off to a rough start, yeah, but now Ben seems to be nice enough- if a bit rough around the edges. If he tries they could be friends.

For some reason, Callum really does want to try.

“We can meet up at lunch or something and decide who’s doing what?” Ben says, starting to pack up his things with everyone else (which Mr. Sticup is notably telling them  _ not _ to do.) Callum nods in response, and Ben gives him a small smile. “In the meantime..” his expression shifts just so, a slightness to it that Callum can’t quite place. “You take care of yourself, yeah?”

Callum blinks, staring when Ben’s hand brushes against his shoulder for the briefest of moments. “Yeah, I..” his throat feels awfully dry all of a sudden. “..thanks, mate.”

And Ben smiles again, eyes crinkling a little at the edges. “No problem.” It makes a weird kind of warmth spark up in Callum’s chest, and even as Ben turns away to leave it lingers.

Callum doesn’t try to squash it down this time. He lets it stay, and for the first time it feels good.

* * *

After that little encounter with Callum, Ben feels.. nice.

He convinces himself it’s just that little confidence boost he needed after the earlier argument. Jay had been going on about how he’s too harsh on Phil or something so that’s probably it; just a little evidence that he isn’t  _ too harsh.  _

He had admittedly been more careful (for lack of a better word) around Callum today- he has all of this information and though he doesn’t have the whole picture, it all feels kind of.. delicate. Like one wrong word could set off an explosion, a blind step onto a landmine. He doesn’t know, he just-

He just remembers that encounter in the hallway and okay, maybe he does feel a bit bad, knowing some of the things he does now. Because there’s something more to Callum’s past- something more than some sad breakup with Chris. Something that Callum would rather bury, by the looks of things.

And Ben gets it. He understands it all too well, and maybe that’s where the attachment comes.

But Ben can deal with this, he tells himself. He’s always been good at compartmentalising, this is just another addition to that dark dusty shelf in the back of his mind. He knows though, that for all he tries to keep up the cocky exterior with these stupid jabs and too-confident pick up lines, he does want to help Callum.

And hey, noone has to know if he does. If he gives in to that little pull toward the other boy, the one that says more than him just caring, who’s going to know?

To everyone else he’ll still be Ben Mitchell. He’ll still be the cool rebellious son of the head teacher. The obnoxious gay kid that tried to seduce some rando in the changing rooms. The former theatre kid with an alleged killer singing voice that noone’s heard since the Year 7 talent show.

And to Callum…?

Ben doesn’t know. He’s cornered him in hallways and gotten decked in the face and flirted and been _ nice _ and he has no idea what Callum’s made of any of this. How Callum sees Ben.

You can’t fault him for wanting to know.

* * *

Before they meet up at lunch, Ben shoots Callum a quick text to meet right at the back near the random shipping container that’s been there as long as he can remember. Aside from the kids that like doing backflips off the thing for whatever reason and the smokers who’d picked the first slightly secluded spot and taken it, it’s usually empty of any other pupils.

But this isn’t what Ben goes there for; there’s an old gate, hidden behind the trees and overgrown grass, that probably hasn’t been used for years. It conveniently leads out to the staff car park noone really uses anymore that Ben and Callum had their little chat in the other day.

He’d found it all the way back in Year 7 when Phil’d said that he and his  _ good mate _ needed to stop being so affectionate. So Ben, a lot less braver than he is now, had sort-of complied, albeit with a great deal of complaining.

“It’s so stupid,” he’d said, pushing open the gate before looking at his now dirt-covered hand and cringing. “I should report him for discrimination.” Paul had just smiled, still all sunshine despite it all, and said something about just getting on with things. It’s a faint memory now, but his heart swells a little at it anyway.

He pushes it down anyway, before it can give way to any kind of guilt.

Ben shakes his head and pushes the gate open, surveying the area as he’s always done. It’s completely empty- Phil’s apparently had better things to do today. Like complain to Jay about how awful Ben is.

He’s about to turn back and wait for Callum when something- some _ one- _ catches his eye. That same man from earlier, leaning against the wall. He’s got a phone against his ear and Ben can guess he’s talking to someone, but he’s too far away to tell what he’s saying.

“..haven’t found ‘im yet…” he hears, starting to inch closer. There’s no shortage of overgrown tree branches and Ben’s short enough to hide amongst them. “..yeah, I’ll let ya know.” Disappointingly, Ben’s only heard the tail end of that conversation. 

It’s only confirmed his suspicions; this guy’s looking for someone. And, well.. knowing what he knows, it’s not too hard to figure out  _ who. _

“Oi!” Ben calls out, stepping toward the man so he can be seen. The man glares at Ben, shoving his phone back into his pocket. “Didn’t noone tell you to fuck off?”

With a slight twitch of the eye, the man strides up to Ben, suddenly very much in his face. “Could say the same for you,” he growls. “This ain’t none of your business, so why don’t you go back to your little schoolboy friends?”

“You’re the one hangin’ about a school _ lookin’ for _ the pupils, mate.” Ben folds his arms and narrows his eyes, glaring up at the man with the toughest look he can muster. “Bit dodgy, yeah? And if you’re harassing the pupils…” he trails off, smirking when the man’s face falls.

He steps back, frowning. “I’m just lookin’ for my brother. Callum Highway?”

..Brother?

Suppressing his shock for now, Ben shrugs. “Ain’t heard of ‘im.” he leans forward again. “How do I know this guy’s your brother, anyway?” he knows he isn’t lying, though. All those videos he’s in are only when Callum’s there, and come to think of it that weird half-glare had been directed at either Callum or Chris. He’s telling the truth, but Ben- he just.. needs to buy some time.

(For who, at this point, Ben doesn’t really know.)

“If I went up to this  _ Callum _ and asked about you, would he even know who you are?” he continues, and then the one question he actually wants the answer to; “Would he want to know you’re here in the first place?”

The man lunges forward, grabbing Ben by the front of his shirt. “You ain’t tellin’ him I’m here.” his eyes are actually a little scary, and Ben finds himself averting his gaze.

He’s about to bite back with some remark about how this isn’t really helping his case, when his eye catches on something just behind them. 

The man follows his gaze and drops Ben immediately, stumbling forward.

_ “Callum.” _

* * *

Of course. Of course Callum couldn’t even have two weeks of peace in this place.

He sees Stuart’s face and wishes more than anything that he’d turned back before he heard Ben’s voice, before he’d heard the unmistakable one of his brother. His brother who he thought would never find him, who he’d never have to see again after all that-

“Callum!” Stuart repeats, finally shaking his gaze from Callum. Ben’s still staring at him, wide-eyed, as if asking  _ what the hell am I meant to be doing right now.  _ “Callum, bruv, I-”

Callum realises Stuart’s approaching him- too quickly- and quickly backs up. “Stay away, Stuart.” he manages out, disguising the tremble of his voice remarkably well. “Told you I don’t wanna see you anymore.”

A  _ look _ passes over Stuart’s expression, and Callum flinches on instinct. “You  _ told me _ a whole lotta nothin’.” he near-growls out, stalking ever closer. There’s only so much more space Callum can put between them, and his limbs already feel all jelly-like. “Just up and left, didn’t ya?”

He hadn’t expected this- at least not so soon. And now Stuart’s in front of him, speaking all this cryptic shit about the past- he can’t avoid it like he’d been planning. Because it’s all here now, all coming back to him in the form of the brother he left behind.

“We got a problem here?” Ben says lowly, now blocking Stuart from getting any closer to Callum. “‘Cause like I said, be a shame if someone caught wind of the dodgy guy roaming around the school.” Callum’s half-prepared to have to pick up Ben from the ground after Stuart punches him or have to get between the two, but all Stuart does is narrow his eyes and glare down at Ben.

“My problem-” Stuart jabs a finger at Ben’s face. “Is _ you _ gettin’ in my way. Thought you had nothin’ to do with my brother?”  _ my brother. _ As if Stuart deserves to call him that after the shit he put him through.

But- Ben had _ lied _ for Callum. Why, he doesn’t know, but he hopes his gaze speaks enough of the thanks he’ll hopefully try to get across later. From what little he’d heard of the two’s conversation before, Ben had acted like he hadn’t known Callum- he’d been trying to get Stuart away, he thinks.

He can’t really linger on that thought, because suddenly Stuart is shoving Ben out of the way and rushing forward toward Callum.

“Look, Cal-” he’s talking far too fast, and before Callum can stop him he’s gripping both his arms  _ too tight.  _ “This- you don’t have to do this.  _ This isn’t you.” It is, it is,  _ Callum wants so badly to say, but his words are stuck in his throat, in the vice-like grip of Stuart’s hands against where bruises had been not months before. “This is all that lad gettin’ in your head, yeah? I know you ain’t like this.” he stops only to offer a smile that leaves Callum feeling sick. “Look- you can come home. If you drop all this rubbish you’ve been sayin, dad won’t-”

Anger thrums red-hot in Callum’s veins, and he shoves Stuart back with all the strength he can muster. “Don’t you  _ dare,”  _ he starts, but his breath comes in too fast to say anything more. Tears are already springing to his eyes, but he’s trying so hard not to let them fall. Not to let Stuart know he’s vulnerable.

All of a sudden, Ben re-announces his presence in the form of his fist slamming into Stuart’s cheek.

“I don’t know what you’ve got to do with Callum-” at the mention of his name Callum drags his gaze over to where Ben stands over a shocked Stuart, fists still raised. “-But I don’t think this _ come home _ shtick is workin’ for you, mate.” he tilts his head to the side, smirk too relaxed considering the situation they’re in. “So you best run off back to where you came from, yeah? Before we have any more problems.”

Stuart pushes himself up, and despite Ben’s intimidation the difference between the two is clear to see; Stuart is taller and more powerful than Ben. If the two got into a fight, he wouldn’t want to see the state of Ben after.

Which is exactly why, despite the violent tremble of his limbs, he moves to stand between the two.

“Stu-” his voice is just a tad less shaky this time, and when he throws a quick glance behind his shoulder Ben looks a little _ impressed.  _ “We can- we can talk later, yeah? Just.. let us go back to school, alright?” he raises his hands as he speaks; whether it’s to block Stuart from grabbing him again or as a sign of surrender he doesn’t know.

For a few moments, Stuart just glowers down at him, and Callum holds his breath.

“Best not be lying.” is all he says, before pausing to shoot Ben a deathly glare and going off on his way.

As soon as Stuart is out of view, Callum collapses to the floor and starts sobbing.

* * *

Shit.  _ Shit. _

To be perfectly honest, Ben doesn’t have the faintest idea of what’s just happened; all he knows now is that Callum’s curled in on himself, a sobbing mess, and that this Stuart guy might be a bit of a problem.

“Cal, hey- Callum?” Ben tries, feeling a little bit helpless as he listens to Callum trying and failing to hold back his cries. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and checks the time- lunch was over five minutes ago. “Do you wanna, uh.. go back to lessons, or?”

Callum raises his head just enough for Ben to see him shaking it. “No,” he manages out, voice sounding weak. One hand, clenched in the gravel of the path beneath them, trembles. “Not- not like  _ this.” _

“Alright,” Ben says.

And that’s how he ends up sat in a McDonalds at 1pm on a school day, eating an Oreo McFlurry and shoving fries in the direction of a still-visibly-upset Callum.

"So, uh.” he starts, staring down into his McFlurry and giving it a bit of a stab with the spoon. “You alright?”

Callum shrugs. Then, through a mouthful of fries; “no.”

“Ah.” Ben nods. He watches a chunk of Oreo fall from the top of the little pile he’s made. "That guy, uh- how d'you know him?"

Callum's expression slips. Oops. "S'my brother." he explains. After a few awkward moments pause, he continues; "I haven't seen him in at least a month. Was kind of hoping I didn't have to."

Ben nods, trying to put this all together mentally and also trying not to seem as awkward as he feels about all this. Yeah sure he'd been trying to get information on Callum's past before, but- he just hadn't expected things to be this…  _ deep.  _ And now he's just fully stuck his foot in it without really realising.

Whatever his mind's telling him- it's too late to backtrack now. Ben's an asshole, but he isn't  _ that _ much of an asshole.

(Well, he is. It's just that he does kind of care what Callum thinks of him at this point, for some reason.)


End file.
